I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
