i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ketchup is God's man juice
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
