i would punch a child for taco bell
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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