I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
