Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
