whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
