Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just googled if crying burns calories
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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