i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
