I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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