just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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