i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
