I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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