You just made me feel so damn special
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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