I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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