I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
