Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
