On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
