my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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