apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
