I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
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