waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
FUCK WHALES
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
