i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
