he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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