I just pynch a tree in the face
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
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