last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Found the puke drawer
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
