Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
