i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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