It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
