it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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