i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
