I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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