hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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