I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
