I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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