i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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