Someone shit on the floor
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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