i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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