If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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