I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
