I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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