thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
