I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
