I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i now understand why vodka
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
