you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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