how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize