its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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