I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
