Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Too much gin, very little bucket
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
