Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
