You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
