I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
