u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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