I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
