I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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