Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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