tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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