Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
