well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
