its not stalking. its research.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
