Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
