Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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